Top 10 and More Short Dirty Jokes That are Funny (or Offensive)
Everybody loves a good joke. For the right audience, saying short dirty jokes can get a rise out of everybody. People like dirty things, even if they do not say it out loud. A well-timed dirty joke can make you the life of the party. Or, you can tell it to a girlfriend and implant a subliminal message into her. Here are some of the top jokes you can say that can either make someone laugh or offend the hell out of them.
18. A Better Life
One morning a woman was in the grocery store with her five children. They were throwing tantrums and being awful. They were running around taking items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed them and shouted “I should have swallowed all of you!”
17. Well, When You Put it That Way…
A mother walks into her daughter’s room with a condom in her hand, “I found this while cleaning your drawers today…. Are you sexually active?” The daughter replies, “No, I just lay there.”
16. The Worst Kind of Luck
A lady goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I get what you are trying to say.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. Plus, he burned his tongue and broke his fingers!
15. He Has a Point
A guy says to his wife, “I like kinky sex, how about I ejaculate in your ear?” The wife angrily replies, “No, I might go deaf!” To which the man replies, “I’ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you’re still talking aren’t you?”
14. Whatever Floats Your Boat, Man
A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The bartender says, “I thought you only drank blood?” The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says “I’m making tea!”.
13. Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a migraine.” The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.” “OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.
12. Easy Breezy
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor! My wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy!!! What do you think I should do?” “Chill out,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is this Larry’s bar you speak of?”
11. Losing My Religion
Guy #1: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Guy #2: “Really? How?”
Guy #1: “Yup! Until I married her, I didn’t believe in Hell!”
10. Police Brutality
A cop was patrolling the highway when he sees a man tied up to a tree. The officer stops and goes near the guy. “What’s going on here?” he asks. The man cries, “I was driving and helped out a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up to this tree!” The cop looked at the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his penis. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal!”
9. Educating Young Minds
A teacher asked a girl to use the word “handsome” in a sentence.
The girl says, “When I s*ck my boyfriend’s d*ck my jaws get really tired so I use my “handsome” times”.
8. Welcome to the Jungle
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!
7. Go Yoga Yourself
After years of suffering from sinus troubles my doctor suggested I try yoga. It hasn’t helped me blow my nose but at least I can blow myself.
6. Oral Wealth
A man comes home to find his wife with her luggage packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free!” The man thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his luggage packed as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you! I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!”
5. Misinterpretation at Its Finest
I picked up a girl the other night and she said she was never in the mood for sex until she had a bottle of wine inside her. After a bit of a struggling, it turned out she meant she wanted to drink it. My bad.
4. Doesn’t Matter, Had Sex
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. “Do you want a bag, sir?” the cashier asks.
“’Nah”, the guy says. “She’s not that ugly.”
3. Something to be Proud of
My penis was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records at one point in time. Then it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out the library.
2. Natural Disasters
How are women and tornadoes similar?
They both moan when they come, and take the house when they leave.
1. Different Types of Sex
HOUSE SEX – When you are newlyweds and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “f**k you!”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of everyone for every Dollar you have.